From the Trenches by Dorothy Goren

Q My son is 13 and already girl crazy. He has a "girlfriend" that he text messages. He even bought a Valentine's gift for her this year. I want him to pursue other interests like sports or scouts. He was very active, but something happened last December and he's changed. The girl's mother encourages it and even jokes that they'll probably get married. This is so ridiculous and I know it probably won't happen, but I do worry about an unplanned pregnancy happening. The two of them hang out with a fast crowd. Will this phase pass?-N.McC., Nyack

A According to the Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, about 20% of adolescents have had sexual intercourse before their 15th birthday and one in seven sexually experienced 14-year-old girls has been pregnant, so your concerns are very real. The "phase" that you mention could probably be more accurately described as a stage of life, and it will not be passing at any time soon. You need to talk with your son. He not only needs to know the biological facts about sex but also to understand that sexual relationships involve caring, concern and responsibility. Although he may choose not adopt these values, at least he should be aware of them as he struggles to figure out how he feels and wants to behave.
Researchers say that kids who can talk with a parent about sex are less likely to get involved in high-risk behavior. Remember to keep the conversation two-way-a dialogue not a lecture! Keep promoting sports, scouting, and after school jobs. Last, but not least, chaperone, chaperone, chaperone. Encourage activities that have adult presence or those that have many friends in attendance. Keep talking, keep watching, keep involved. This is parenting and it's a very tough job!

Q I caught my teenage kids drinking when I arrived home unexpectedly.
I was furious and didn't handle it the best possible way. They both were tipsy and silly. They had been drinking beer from the fridge. The eldest told me he's had beers at his friend's house and it's not a big deal. Well I think it is a big deal and I wouldn't want any of his friends to come to our house and drink alcohol. I can't be a watchdog but now I'm very tense about where it may lead. My husband and I drink every week, but don't overindulge. I don't think there is much I can do.
-C.D., Piermont

A Underage drinking is against the law.

If your children are caught, they may have to pay fines, perform community service, attend alcohol abuse classes, but the impact of breaking this law not only impinges upon them, but upon you as parents.
Social host liability laws already enacted in many states moves the responsibility for such drinking from teens who consume alcohol to parents who (advertently or inadvertently) provide it. The laws vary somewhat, but parents who break them could be charged for medical bills and property damage, and could be sued for emotional pain and suffering. You could lose everything you own and go to jail besides. This is a very "big deal"!

Regardless of the legal consequences, your children should also know that you do not permit such drinking as part of the rules and standards of expected behavior within your own home. You do not expect them to break any laws-not those of the state, not those of the family.

If this still does not appear to work, I'd go one step further and purge the house of all liquor. I know, I know-this is probably a controversial directive, but tell your sons how important they are and how relatively unimportant an occasional drink is to you and your husband. You are going "dry" to try to keep everyone safe. The boys may be angry, but hold your ground. It's a matter of priorities. Tell the children that they come first and let your actions support your words.

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